Stain Removal Guide

Just Kidding!

Here's a handy guide to getting out those pesky fabric stains:

Blood: Spill more blood around area of stain so it won't stand out as much.

Ink: Fall to knees and plead, "Why, God, why? Why dost thou test me so?"

Grass: Write the name of your liquid detergent on stain. Wash. Hold up to camera, and show off the unbelievable results.

Mud: Place large iron-on NASCAR patch over stain. Apply heat for 60 seconds.

Grape Juice: Rub stain vigorously with wet paper towel from restroom while saying, "Oh, &%$@ ... %$@&."

Coffee: Rub cream and sugar into stain. Apply oral suction. Enjoy rich, robust coffee-stain flavor.

Wine: Apply mixture of 1/2 rum and 1/2 Coke to self until you no longer care about some little &%$@ stain.

Chewing Gum: Using permanent marker, draw dotted line around stain. Cut carefully on dotted line.

Nail Polish: Nail-polish stains are actually quite lovely. Why not leave them in for a pleasing "homecrafted" look?

Bleach: Insoluble. Burn down house.